You probably never imagined contending with difficult parents when you dreamed of becoming a coach. Unfortunately, almost every coach is faced with an irate parent at some time. Not only is dealing with an angry or unreasonable parent upsetting, it’s time consuming. It’s only natural for parents to want the best for their child. Every now and then there are parents who refuse to accept that their child struggles in the gym. It can be easy for them to make excuses and blame others for their child’s troubles. Before you know it, you have a huge problem on your hands. Here are some tried and true tips to help you resolve difficult situations with parents.
Dealing with difficult parents requires that coaches first deal with themselves. There are few absolutes in gymnastics. Every rule has an exception and no matter how consistent coaches attempt to be, there are times when plans must be adjusted. But however flexible coaches must be about some things, there are a few absolutes that involve the coaches own actions and approaches. I have a general rule. Never make the exception the rule. The best advice I ever received was, “You do not have to prove who is in charge; everybody knows who is in charge.” Think about the best teachers you had in school. How often must they prove who is in charge in their classroom? Almost never. Now think about the least effective gym managers you know. How often do they try to prove who is in charge? Most likely, several times every hour! And, as a result, the gymnasts and coworkers may often try to prove them wrong. This same idea applies when working with challenging parents.
Effective coaches and gym managers never argue, yell, use sarcasm, or behave unprofessionally. The key word in that sentence is NEVER. There are several reasons to adopt this credo. One of them is that in every situation there needs to be at least one adult, and the only person you can rely on to act as the adult is you. I also believe that it isn’t a good idea to argue with difficult people. You will not win. Difficult people may argue a great deal of time in every aspect of their lives. They argue at home, are confrontational at work, and probably have a great number of tense conversations on a regular basis.
People can control how many arguments they get in. People also determine how often they yell or use sarcasm to make a point. As a coach you can teach others—students, parents, and other staff members—new ways to interact, not merely polish others’ inappropriate skills. If I, as a coach and gym owner believe that the difficult people I encounter are doing the best they know how, then one of my missions should be to help them learn better behavior. I believe we gymnastics educators have a responsibility to consistently model appropriate behavior to everyone with whom we come in contact. We should do so 100% of the time. If you question this, ask yourself two questions: Do I expect the students in my gym to behave appropriately 100% of the time? and Do I hope that parents treat me with respect and dignity 100% of the time? If your answers to these questions are yes, then you must behave professionally 100% of the time
1. Let upset parents know that your goal is to help every child succeed. Look for ways to find common ground. Tell parents that both of you want what’s best for their child and that you want to find ways to work together. When parents are able to look at the big picture and realize that you are on the same side, you can begin to work together to help their child succeed.
2. Be sensitive! No matter how tense a situation becomes, always remember that the gymnast is also someone’s precious baby. Open your conversation with parents by acknowledging the child’s strengths before you focus on areas of concern.
3. Good records that document dates, times, notes and decisions about the gymnast can be invaluable if problems arise. Keep track of communication you’ve had with parents throughout the season. I know record keeping is a pain in the A$$ but keeping track of the everyday progress of a gymnast can make your life so much easier. We all know that the parents are only ever getting one side of the story. Often you will have near constant communication with a parent. I would encourage you to also keep detailed records of these meetings. Your job may rely on it. Make a set of parent communication folders by labeling file folders with the names of your gymnasts. Staple a few blank sheets of paper inside each folder. Use these folders to jot notes with details of important conversations and keep notes from parents organized. Inside each folder, write the date, name of the parent with whom you spoke, and any actions that need to be taken. Make a separate folder on your computer and keep every e-mail and letter you send. After making phone calls to parents to discuss problems, take a few minutes to record any important information that was discussed. Parent Communication Files come in handy if you ever need to document how you’ve involved and informed parents after an incident at the gym.
4. Be proactive! Contact parents as soon as you see problems or negative behavior patterns develop. You’ll have a better chance to change these patterns if you catch them early. Here are some things to discuss with parents:
• areas where their child excels
• if their child is attentive during practice
• their child’s progress
• specific areas where their child experiences difficulties
• specific ways they can help their child at home
• how well their child gets along with teammates
• allow parents to share their concerns and ask questions
• if you are unsure what a parent asks about, request specific examples
5. Be prepared to give specific examples to illustrate the points you make. You may need to show parents examples of average and above average work the level. DO NOT USE NAMES. The idea isn’t to compare students to one another, it’s to give parents a clear idea of exactly what your expectations are for your gymnasts.
6. Have you ever been caught off guard by a parent and answered a question in a way that you regret later? If a parent asks you a question that floors you, don’t be put on the spot. It’s fine to let parents know that you need some time to reflect on their question before you respond. Let them know that you’ll get back to them. Relax—you’ve just bought yourself time to explore options and perhaps bounce ideas off of a colleague before you respond to the parents.
7. Don’t be afraid to end a meeting with parents who become confrontational. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to provide an opportunity for all parties to cool down and reflect on the issues at hand by bringing the meeting to a close. Set a time and date to meet again. If you feel threatened, ask a colleague or your boss to attend the next conference.
8. It’s awkward when parents share too much information with you. While it’s helpful to know things that directly impact a gymnast, it can be problematic when parents disclose too much personal information. It’s not your job to be their therapist. Remind parents that during the limited time you have to speak with them, that you need to focus on their child and not on them.
9. Sometimes neighborhood issues spill over into the classroom. Don’t let yourself get dragged into disputes between families of children in the gym. Problems escalate quickly if it’s perceived that you’re siding with other parents. When parents begin to share information about neighborhood squabbles, jump right in and tell them that it’s information that you don’t need to hear. Let parents know that you’re receptive to their thoughts and ideas about their child, but you must stay out of personal issues between the families.
10. Watch for parents who hover relentlessly. I had a parent my second year of coaching who expected to volunteer in the gym every day. I welcome parent volunteers for some jobs (press releases, communication etc), but this was ridiculous! I let her know that her daughter needed the space to develop social skills and gain independence.
11. Be prepared for a worst case scenario. Read your contract or board policy and make sure you understand your rights and the steps to follow if a parent files a formal complaint.
Managing difficult parents can be one of the hardest parts about coaching and working in a gym. It’s easy to dwell on negativity and begin to question your skills as a coach. Instead of worrying about how those parents perceive you, approach them and offer them the opportunity to join you as you help their child have the best year possible. Chances are the vast majority of parents of students in your gym are thrilled that you are their child’s coach! Focus on all that positive energy and have a great rest of the school year!