How to support your child on their gymnastics journey. Presented at the Oasis School in Cairo
Gymnastics May Help Children Handle Anxiety
As I was reading the newspaper this morning there was an article on Rising Anxiety and Depression in schools.
In the 25 years I have owned ATLANTIC GYMNASTICS I have seen tens of thousands of children come through the doors. The past few years I have noticed increased anxiety levels in the children.
Current issues in society are really having an effect on the anxiety our children are feeling. Within the first few days of school our children will practice an ACTIVE SHOOTER DRILL. Never before have our children been faced with such stress.
There are things that we as parents can do to help them with anxiety.
Get Back to Basics
Your anxious child doesn’t need to play every sport and attend every party. They do need to slow down and focus on basic health needs:
- Getting a good nights sleep
- Healthy meals
- Plenty of water
- Outdoor free play (without a parent hovering over them)
- Daily exercise (of course I will recommend gymnastics but think riding bikes, playing at the park, etc.)
- Downtime to decompress
We need to be careful that we are not passing on our anxiety to them. Kids look to their parents for information about how to interpret new or ambiguous situations; if a parent seems consistently anxious and fearful, the child will determine that a variety of scenarios are unsafe. As parents we need to help our children face new and uncomfortable situations without freaking them out. They need to know there are acceptable risks in the world.
Gymnastics is all about acceptable risks. Getting out of your comfort zone, accepting and overcoming challenges. I have seen many children come into the gym afraid to leave their parents side. Afraid to join the class. Slowly they learn to explore on their own. To figure out how their body feels upside down and in the air. They begin to understand that the anxiety they feel is just their body and mind letting them know that something new is going on. It’s not bad or good. It’s just NEW. Through small, progressive steps the children begin to gain confidence and build resilience.
Some helpful tips from Child Mind Institute.
1. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety, but to help a child manage it.
None of us wants to see a child unhappy, but the best way to help kids overcome anxiety isn’t to try to remove stressors that trigger it. It’s to help them learn to tolerate their anxiety and function as well as they can, even when they’re anxious. And as a byproduct of that, the anxiety will decrease or fall away over time.
2. Don’t avoid things just because they make a child anxious.
Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of will make them feel better in the short term, but it reinforces the anxiety over the long run. If a child in an uncomfortable situation gets upset, starts to cry—not to be manipulative, but just because that’s how she feels—and her parents whisk her away, or remove the thing she’s afraid of, she’s learned that coping mechanism, and that cycle has the potential to repeat itself.
3. Express positive—but realistic—expectations.
You can’t promise a child that his fears are unrealistic—that he won’t fail a test, that he’ll have fun ice skating, or that another child won’t laugh at him during show & tell. But you can express confidence that he’s going to be okay, he will be able to manage it, and that, as he faces his fears, the anxiety level will drop over time. This gives him confidence that your expectations are realistic, and that you’re not going to ask him to do something he can’t handle.
4. Respect her feelings, but don’t empower them.
It’s important to understand that validation doesn’t always mean agreement. So if a child is terrified about going to the doctor because she’s due for a shot, you don’t want to belittle her fears, but you also don’t want to amplify them.You want to listen and be empathetic, help her understand what she’s anxious about, and encourage her to feel that she can face her fears. The message you want to send is, “I know you’re scared, and that’s okay, and I’m here, and I’m going to help you get through this.”
5. Don’t ask leading questions.
Encourage your child to talk about his feelings, but try not to ask leading questions— “Are you anxious about the big test? Are you worried about the science fair?” To avoid feeding the cycle of anxiety, just ask open-ended questions: “How are you feeling about the science fair?”
6. Don’t reinforce the child’s fears.
You don’t want to say with your tone of voice or body language: “Maybe this is something that you should be afraid of.” Let’s say a child has had a negative experience with a dog. Next time she’s around a dog, you might be anxious about how she will respond, and you might unintentionally send a message that she should, indeed, be worried.
7. Encourage the child to tolerate her anxiety.
Let your child know that you appreciate the work it takes to tolerate anxiety in order to do what he wants or needs to do. It’s really encouraging him to engage in life and to let the anxiety take its natural curve. We call it the “habituation curve”—it will drop over time as he continues to have contact with the stressor. It might not drop to zero, it might not drop as quickly as you would like, but that’s how we get over our fears.
8. Try to keep the anticipatory period short.
When we’re afraid of something, the hardest time is really before we do it. So another rule of thumb for parents is to really try to eliminate or reduce the anticipatory period. If a child is nervous about going to a doctor’s appointment, you don’t want to launch into a discussion about it two hours before you go; that’s likely to get your child more keyed up. So just try to shorten that period to a minimum.
9. Think things through with the child.
Sometimes it helps to talk through what would happen if a child’s fear came true—how would she handle it? A child who’s anxious about separating from her parents might worry about what would happen if they didn’t come to pick her up. So we talk about that. If your mom doesn’t come at the end of soccer practice, what would you do? “Well I would tell the coach my mom’s not here.” And what do you think the coach would do? “Well he would call my mom. Or he would wait with me.” A child who’s afraid that a stranger might be sent to pick her up can have a code word from her parents that anyone they sent would know. For some kids, having a plan can reduce the uncertainty in a healthy, effective way.
10. Try to model healthy ways of handling anxiety.
There are multiple ways you can help kids handle anxiety by letting them see how you cope with anxiety yourself. Kids are perceptive, and they’re going to take it in if you keep complaining on the phone to a friend that you can’t handle the stress or the anxiety. I’m not saying to pretend that you don’t have stress and anxiety, but let kids hear or see you managing it calmly, tolerating it, feeling good about getting through it.
When we see children walk into the gym for the first time, EVERYTHING is NEW and UNCOMFORTABLE. But it is also FUN and EXCITING. Children in the gym learn to overcome their fears. They learn that NEW and UNCOMFORTABLE can turn into FUN and EXCITING. These are lessons that can follow them in life.
In the gym children learn to persevere, to trust that they can overcome their natural anxiety. They may end up really loving something that was initially scary and uncomfortable. As a gymnast, when I was feeling super stressed and anxious over a new skill or a performance, I came to understand that this was just my body and mind saying. “Hey something important is going on here, pay attention”. As an adult, that feeling is just part of my everyday routine, whether I am TEACHING a new skill or getting up to speak in front of a room full of people.
We Must Allow Our Children To Fail
We Must Allow Our Children to Fail
Our job as coaches and parents is to prevent traumatic head injuries or that possibly badly broken limb but at the same time we must allow for skinned knees and scraped palms.
If we protect them from everything we do not prepare them for anything.
I am not one of those parents who laments the downfall of society because we do not spank our kids and make them learn cursive writing. The norms of society changes with each generation. I look back at what was an acceptable coaching practice when I first started coaching and I wonder, “what were we thinking?”. Common practices in the gym today will be looked at with scorn in a decade.
The only constant in life is change.
and failure.
If it wasn’t for failure we would never learn. I do not think we should set our children or our gymnasts up for failure. But we have to let kids figure somethings out themselves.
The recent college admissions scandal may seem like an extreme case that only pertains to wealthy elites with the means to bribe people to get their children into top universities. But it touches on the pressured feelings almost all parents and students feel today. It also highlights the way many parents are cheating their kids out of an important life lesson: how to fail and bounce back. This is not a parent networking and calling a friend or colleague to give a child a second look. This isn’t a parent paying for a tutor or SAT prep courses. This is parents bribing their child’s way into a school. *
Where does it end? Will a parent bribe their child’s way into their first job? Into public office? This is the natural destination for a generation of children who have never been allowed to fail or even struggle. Not in schools, not in sports, not on the playground. The current attitude is that a child is successful based on their talent. If they struggle it is not because they are not as talented- it is because the system is rigged or that a teacher or coach didn’t do their job. **
The concept of “helicopter parents” who hover over all aspects of their kids’ lives has been around for a while, but over the past year, there have been more headlines about “lawn mower parents,” who mow down every obstacle or difficulty their children may have to face.
It’s natural for parents to want to protect their children from disappointment, but doing so can ultimately lower their self-esteem and set them up for more difficulty in the future.
As coaches and parents we have to give the children the information they need. Do not hold anything back. Allow them to make some decisions and accept the consequences.
The Importance Of Failure
In an interview with Huffington Post, Kim Metcalfe, a retired professor of early childhood education and psychology and author of Let’s Build ExtraOrdinary Youth Together said, “Parents who give permission for kids to fail are building social and emotional skills and qualities that last a lifetime ― persistence, positive self-image, self-confidence, self-control, problem-solving, self-sufficiency, focus and patience,” But allowing your child to fail almost seems to go against nature, noted Jessica Lahey, a teacher, journalist and author of The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed.
She said that parents feel bombarded by frightening headlines along the lines of “it’s impossible to get into college today” or “the next generation of kids is unlikely to do better economically than their parents.”
“When faced with those sorts of scary scenarios, we tend to go into ‘protective parent mode,’ which is evolutionarily rational,” Lahey explained. “But we’re reacting to things that aren’t actually threats. It’s not a threat that our child can’t get into Harvard. It’s not a threat that our kid is not the top-scoring player on the soccer team. It’s something that’s beneficial for them to have to experience.”
Because parents have the instinct to protect their children from failure and disappointment, it’s necessary to take a step back and understand what real threats are versus what’s actually just part of growing up.
“Failure is part of life, and if our children don’t have the opportunity to fail or make mistakes, they’ll never realize they can bounce back. That’s what resilience is all about,” said Michele Borba, an educational psychologist and author of UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. “Your child doesn’t learn to bounce back because you told them they could but because they experienced it. Then when the problems get really huge, they’ve got that gumption inside to realize, ‘Hey I can do this!’”
One of the best ways to help a child build his or her sense of self-esteem is to separate your own self-worth as a parent from your children’s accomplishments.
Teach Failure And Resilience Every Day
The Power Of Brainstorming
Borba recommends making brainstorming part of kids’ day-to-day experience to help them practice coming up with solutions to problems.
“When your child makes a mistake, don’t berate the child for the mistake but make it into a question of ‘What are you going to learn from it?’ ‘What’s one way you could do that differently?’ or ‘OK, let’s figure out what to do next,’”
Kids Need To See Their Parents Struggle
Sharing stories of past failures and how you moved on can be beneficial for your children, but what’s even more helpful is keeping your kids in the loop as you face adversity in the present.
Life is not perfect. We all struggle. That is normal. We need to teach our children how to get through adversity. When to try it alone and when to seek help.
*when a parent donated a few million so the school can build a lab, a building or fund a scholarship and then their child gets in, at least others can enjoy the product of their legal bribe.
** I do believe for some that the system is rigged and not necessarily fair. A non political non socio economic example would be baseball. I live in the North East of the USA. An area that sees 4-5 months of cold/snow where playing outside is severely limited. A thousand miles to the south playing baseball year round is possible. A prospective baseball player living there has more time to play the game. More time for organized or unorganized practice time, more time to perfect basic elements. (conversely there are not a lot of down hill skiers from Florida).
After writing this yesterday I came across an article in INC Magazine. WANT TO RAISE SUCCESSFUL YOUNG ADULTS? STOP LAWNMOWER PARENTING.
Want to Raise Successful Kids? Science Says Teach Them Any 1 of These 7 Things. Or better yet, help your kids learn them all.
I recently read this in INC Magazine. Definitely something to share at your gym.
How can you teach your kids to be successful — and more important, live happy and fulfilled lives?
1. Teach them to seek small wins first.
According to research, gaining agreement has an effect — even if only over the short term.
Teach your kids that, instead of jumping to the end of their argument, they should start with statements or premises they know their audience will agree with. Teach them to build a foundation for further agreement.
A body in motion tends to remain in motion, and that also applies to a head that nods in agreement.
2. Teach them to focus on positive outcomes.
While it’s tempting to use scare tactics, positive-outcome statements tend to be more persuasive. (Researchers hypothesize that most people respond negatively to feeling bullied into changing a behavior.)
So if your kids are trying to create a change, tell them to focus on sharing the positives of that change. They want to take their audience to a better place, not tell their audience what to avoid.
3. Teach them to dare to take a stand.
You would assume data and reasoning always win the day, right? Nope. Research shows humans prefer cockiness to expertise. We naturally assume confidence equates with skill.
Even the most skeptical people tend to be at least partly persuaded by a confident speaker. In fact, we prefer advice from a confident source, even to the point that we will forgive a poor track record.
So teach your kids to be bold. Teach them to stop saying “I think” or “I believe.” Teach them to stop adding qualifiers to their speech. Tell them, “If you think something will work, just say it will work. If you believe something will work, just say it will work.”
Teach your kids to stand behind their opinions — even if they are just opinions — and to let their enthusiasm show. People will naturally gravitate to their side.
4. Teach them to understand the way others prefer to process information.
A fellow supervisor used to frustrate the crap out of me. (Read the next paragraph to see how that swearing thing works.)
I was young and enthusiastic and would burst into his office with an awesome idea, lay out all my facts and figures, wait breathlessly for him to agree with me — and he would disagree.
Every time.
Finally — it took way longer than it should have — I realized that he wasn’t the problem. My approach was the problem.
Not to go all Myers-Briggs on you, but he was an “I.” He instinctively wanted time to think. He liked to process. By demanding an immediate answer, I put him on the defensive, which led him to fall back on the safe choice: Saying “no.”
So I tried a different approach. “I have an idea that I think makes sense,” I said, “but I feel sure there are things I’m missing. If I run it by you, could you think about it for a day or two and then tell me what you think?”
He loved that. One, I implicitly showed I valued his wisdom and experience. Two, I implicitly showed I didn’t just want him to agree. I really did wanted his opinion.
And most important, I gave him time to process my idea his way.
Teach your kids not to push for instant agreement when an individual’s information-processing preference makes that unlikely.
And teach them not to ask for thought and reflection if their audience loves to make quick decisions.
5. Teach them not to be afraid to show a little emotion.
Cursing for no reason is just cursing. But say a team needs to pull together immediately pull together.
Tossing in an occasional — and heartfelt — curse word can actually help instill a sense of urgency because it shows you care. (And of course it never hurts when a leader lets a little frustration or anger show, too.)
In short, teach your kids to be themselves. Authenticity is always more persuasive. If your teenager feels strongly enough to slip in a mild curse word, he or she should feel free (in the right setting, of course). Research shows they’re likely to be a little more persuasive.
(And don’t tell me your teenagers never curse. Didn’t you?)
6. Teach them to share the bad with the good.
According to University of Illinois professor Daniel O’Keefe, sharing an opposing viewpoint or two is more persuasive than sticking solely to your argument.
Why? Very few ideas or proposals are perfect. Your audience knows that. They know there are other perspectives and potential outcomes.
So teach your kids to meet objections head on. Tell them to talk about the things their audience may already be considering. Teach them to discuss potential negatives and show how they will mitigate or overcome those problems.
Teach your kids to talk about the other side of the argument — and then do their best to show why they’re still right.
7. Teach them to not just say they’re right. Teach them to be right.
Persuasive people understand how to frame and deliver their messages, but most important, they embrace the fact that the message is what matters most.
Teach your kids to be clear, concise, and to the point. Teach them to win the day because their data, reasoning, and conclusions are beyond reproach.
What’s true for your kids applies to all of us: The art of persuasion should always be the icing on a logical cake.
Finding Her Future. | Get Psyched!
Great Article from Wendy Bruce Martin at GET PSYCHED! Wendy will be coaching at Gym Momentum Training Camp This Summer!
Source: Finding Her Future. | Get Psyched!
My daughter was a competitive cheerleader from the age of 5. She took to the sport very quickly and her talent was undeniable. She started to excel in tumbling and it was obvious to me that she needed to hone in on this talent and see where it would take her.
When she turned 9, she had learned a double full on her own. It was amazingly technically correct and I had not taught her it, she learned it solely by playing around in the gym. And because I could see her talent, I quickly called around to gymnastics gyms and enrolled her in the amazing sport of Tumbling and Trampoline.
From the moment she walked into the gym we all could see her future. She was talented and boy was she good, so good that in her first two months she made the developmental team at the gym, the USAG Jumpstart team, and started her career in level 7.
She was a fast learner and it was clear that Tumbling and Trampoline was going to be “her” sport. She made flipping look easy. She was beautiful in the air and made the hard skills look effortless. She was way more talented than I was as a gymnast and I made the Olympics. I couldn’t help but to see into her future and revel in her own fame and fortune.
First I could see her making it to World Championships, hopefully by then Tumbling would have been an Olympic sport and she would be one of the first team members. Then I saw her getting a job with Cirque du Soleil when she was older, where I would go visit her with all my friends and family and we would watch her as the featured act. They could have t-shirts and merchandise made of her. I was so proud of a future that she hadn’t even had yet and didn’t even know that I was planning for her.
At the end of the year she was a State Champion and I was ecstatic that my dream for her was coming true.
Until, one day on the car ride to practice she told me that she didn’t want to go. When I asked her why she calmly said, “I don’t want to do it anymore.”
These words hit me like a slap in the face.
I tried to hide my shock and calmly said back, “Don’t you like to tumble?”
She replied, “Oh my goodness, I love it.”
She loved it? That didn’t make sense. She loved to tumble, she was amazingly talented, she had amazing coaches, and her future…didn’t she don’t have the same dream for her future that I had?
So I asked, “Why?”
She had no problem coming up very strong reasons, she said, “I don’t like it. I don’t like the pressure, being judged, being corrected on everything, the conditioning, climbing the rope, going to competitions, and (what she considered the final straw) wearing a leotard.”
Knowing that I should not try to convince her to stay and that I really could never try to convince her to stay, I pulled the car over, gave her a kiss, lovingly and unconditionally accepted her decision, and turned the car around to go home. That night when we got home, I called her coach. He was as shocked as I was, but completely understood her decision.
The next day I had an uncontrollable urge to cry (although I never did). I felt sad and depressed. When it was the time when I usually took her to practice, I felt empty. I thought about not seeing my gym mom friends that I had made. I thought about the class practicing and improving without my daughter, and not getting free tickets to Cirque. I thought about the talent that she wasn’t going to use and how my dream for her that wasn’t going to come true. I wasn’t ready for her to stop.
I seemed to be taking the loss of her sport worse than my daughter. She had known for weeks that she didn’t want to do it anymore. She had already come up with a plan on what new sport she wanted to try. She wasn’t worried about ending her journey in a sport she want to do, in fact the only reason she tried this sport was because she knew she was a great tumbler and thought this was the next step. But after a few months she knew that this sport wasn’t for her. She stayed in the sport because she decided to finish out the year. But after the year was over, she was sure she wanted to stop.
She was relieved with her decision. I was the one who was having a hard time. On the outside I was her accepting, nonjudgmental mom whom was proud of my daughter for having the confidence to tell me her desires. And I was honestly proud of her. She knew how talented she was. She knew that she was on track for greatness. She knew that everyone was shocked by her talent and yet she still had the guts to tell everyone that SHE didn’t want to do it anymore.
My emotions were all over the place. In one moment I was mad, mad that she wasn’t going to use her talent. In another moment I was in shock, because I thought she loved this sport and I didn’t see it coming. In the next moment I was in denial, I was convinced that in a week or two she would go back to the sport. In the next moment I was sad, at the loss of the (my) dream.
I had to come to terms with this loss and with any loss comes grief. There are many stages of grief, one of the being guilt. Oh and boy did I have guilt. What mom would let a 9 year old make a life changing decision about her future? This was hitting me hard. Maybe I should have stepped in and made her stay. Maybe I knew better than she and maybe she was too young to understand what this sport could bring to her future. What if my mom would have let me stop doing gymnastics at 9? I would have never made the Olympics. But then it occurred to me that I didn’t want to stop doing gymnastics when I was 9. In fact, I wanted to be in the gym every minute of every day. I loved it and if I didn’t like it, my mom would have let me stop.
My reality was that my daughter was the one who had to commit to practice every week, work through fears, push through painful conditioning, and (the worse part) wear a leotard. If she was the one who was going to have to put in the work, then she was the one who should decide it she wanted to or not.
She was happy with her decision and walked around the house like a weight had been lifted off her chest. Later that evening she asked to go bounce on our trampoline and at that moment I realized that she (nor I) had lost anything. We both gained many lessons; we realized that Tumbling and Trampoline, as amazing and incomparable of a sport that it may be, wasn’t HER passion. She still loved to tumble and flip, and she needed to find HER passion.
There were parts of Tumbling and Trampoline that she did love. She loved to flip, learn new skills, and she loved to perform in front of large crowds. But she wanted more.
She wanted a sport that had teammates, dancing, flipping, tumbling, excitement, music, and stunts. She wanted to cheer. It was very clear to me that she has found her passion. Her passion, her future, all of her dreams and goals was in cheer. She spends hours and hours outside of practice listening to cheer music, choreographing routines, practicing skills on her tramp, stretching and conditioning in her bed room, and watching videos. Her love for cheer in undeniable. And I do truly love that she loves her sport.
At times I look back on her Tumbling and Trampoline journey and I smile. It was a great experience for us all, but mostly for me. I grieved for the loss of a sport instead of realizing that it was an amazing chapter to her story; The story of my daughter’s childhood. And as with every experience, she is a stronger and has a better understanding of what she wants out of life. As a mom, I can’t really be upset at all. She knows what she has planned for her future, she knows her hopes and dreams, and I know as long as she is happy, so am I.
Because Gymnastics should be enjoyed not endured
I found an article in the Huffington Post on ways to Inject JOY into Youth Sports. I adapted it to fit gymnastics.
I’ll preface this post by saying that I don’t have many answers. I’m simply asking questions and making observations as we navigate one aspect of our lives: youth sports.
Another preface is that my wife and I were both fairly decent gymnasts in our youth.We weren’t unbelievable, but we were athletic. A few more caveats:
I love coaching. I never really enjoyed coaching my kids. Watching and just being DAD was so much better.
I believe that competition is a good thing.
I believe sports in general and gymnastics specifically have the ability to teach valuable life lessons.
I want my kids to do their best and I will support them however I can.
I always remind myself in the gym that I am teaching WAY more than gymnastics. I want the kids to create some positive lasting memories.
Here’s the big question I’m wrestling with regarding youth sports: Where is the joy?
Have we traded it in for competition? Or preparation? Or even comparison?
I’m not talking about International gymnastics or truthfully even college gymnastics, that’s not reality yet.
With regards to families- I’ve seen it all.
Angry parents. Frustrated coaches. Bitter kids. Schedules on the brink of disaster.
Screaming, hustling, shuffling.
Demanding, spending, comparing.
More dinners out of a bag in the back of the car than around a table. More time apart than together. More chaos than peace.
For the love of our kids, can we please inject some more joy into gymnastics?
After all, are our children competing in gymnastics because they love it or because we want them to love it?
Because it teaches them something about themselves or because it validates something about ourselves?
Because competition brings out the best in them or the worst in us?
Chances are very small that any of our five children will ever earn a penny from playing a sport. (Unless they hustle younger kids on the playground. “Hey- I’ll do a back flip for a dollar!”)
In light of that reality, wouldn’t it be amazing if our youth gymnastics coaches and parents filled these kids up with joy for the sport instead of over-competition? Joy instead of frustration?
With encouragement instead of criticism?
With a slap on the back instead of chastising them?
I’m not pretending to know all the answers. But I do know that, in the name of giving our kids an opportunity, we’ve stolen joy and replaced it with anger many times.
This isn’t a battle we’re shying away from and youth sports aren’t something we’re going to stop pursuing. After all, our kids love it for now.
So practically, here are ways to inject more joy into youth sports:
- Give kids permission to quit a sport if they don’t love it. Not in the middle of a season. But if they gave it their best shot and didn’t enjoy it, they can quit no questions asked.
- As a coach and/or parent, be aware of anger. Yelling so kids can hear, speaking loudly and demanding attention is part of a healthy and respectful view of sport. But man, it’s a fine line between yelling and screaming. Authority and anger. My goal is to ensure that when my voice is raised it’s to encourage them, not berate them.
- Eat dinner around your own table as often as possible. Realistically it doesn’t happen every night and it’s not always glamorous, but fight like hell for more time together not less.
- Choose one sport per season. Especially bigger families with multiple kids, it’s impossible to juggle even one sport per kid let alone multiple sports. Let’s not over-commit, over-extend and burn our kids out.
- They don’t need extra lessons. At least not yet. Our son doesn’t need a swing coach at five. Our daughters don’t need private soccer lessons before middle school. Maybe there’s a time for that, but it’s not yet.
- Don’t feel pressure to attend every kid’s every activity. Prepare your kids for that time when mom and/or dad won’t be at that practice, meet, tournament, recital, whatever.
This is a sensitive conversation that I’m sure isn’t fully exhausted here, but it’s one I think we should start having more honestly and openly. I’m hopeful we can all start to play a part in the solution.
Because Gymnastics should be enjoyed not endured.
This post was adapted from Justin Ricklefs’ blog.
Follow Justin Ricklefs on Twitter: www.twitter.com/justinricklefs
SOMETIMES IT’S HARD TO BE A GYMNAST
A parent of a gymnast I work with posted this on my Facebook page. It is a great reminder that what we are doing is WAY MORE than just coaching gymnastics.
SOMETIMES IT’S HARD TO BE A GYMNAST… Sure, it’s hard to flip backwards on a 4 inch beam and YES it’s hard for their tiny bodies to defy the laws of physics & gravity in the way that they do…. BUT what’s really hard is to watch my child balance the world of being a gymnast and being a teen. It’s hard to watch her spend 15-20 hours a week in the gym while juggling her time to be a great student and a great friend. It’s hard to watch her suffer through injuries while all the time watch her anxiously await the green light to go back to what she knows & loves. And yes, it’s gut-wrenchingly hard is to watch your child feeling left out of things her school friends can do and she cannot.
But here’s what’s NOT HARD: It’s NOT HARD to watch my child set weekly goals… It’s NOT HARD to watch her fall down only to get back up again. It’s NOT HARD to see her experience what it’s like to fail and then in turn what it’s like to succeed. It’s NOT HARD to watch her truly learn the lessons she’ll need to be successful in life. It’s also NOT HARD having coaches who practically co-parent her on a daily basis, who want what’s best for her and who set the bar VERY high in terms of maturity. So sure it’s HARD to be a gymnast, but what’s NOT HARD is all of the other REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF
10 Reasons to Get your Child involved in Competitive Gymnastics
10 Reasons to let your child get involved with competitive Gymnastics (or any competitive sport)
If you are reading this you are probably somehow involved in competitive gymnastics (or you are at the WRONG website? ) You probably can give your own 10 reasons. We’ve been hearing for years that youth sports build character, persistence and teamwork. I’d like to get a bit deeper and explain very specific reasons why parents should get their children involved in competitive gymnastics and why I am glad my children competed in sports. My daughter was a gymnasts and went into Color Guard. My son started off in gymnastics and now is a runner. My wife and I have had a number of live in gymnasts through the years. They were just part of our family. As I see any of “our kids” react to challenges in the workplace in college or in relationships, I am very grateful for these lessons they learned through competition:
1. Dealing with difficult people.
In Gymnastics, it was difficult coaches and teammates. In the real world, it’s coworkers or neighbors or even in-laws.
My daughter has dealt with coworkers who remind her of arrogant high school teammates. Her sports experiences gave her the ability to see past the annoying behavior and seek to understand.
2. Doing a job under pressure.
Recently, when Colby (one of our live in gymnasts) faced pressure as she was trying to become a pilot, I knew she would stay calm. As a gymnast in high school and college, she was the anchor of the team on Beam. It was imperative she stay calm under pressure.
It’s hard on Mom and Dad to watch their kids compete under stress, but that pressure is a breeding ground for growing the ability to stay calm when they grow up and life throws them curve balls.
3. Sticking with a hard task.
In Gymnastics, your child can learn to keep working towards a goal, even when it feels hopeless. I see this daily in my daughter, who is working hard to achieve a personal goal in her life. She has faced numerous setbacks, but she will not give up.
That type of persistence is only learned as one faces and works through challenges. She learned this as she fought for every skill she ever learned.
4. Ignoring Doubters.
There will always be naysayers and haters. We have all heard them when we coached teams that did not live up to expectations. We heard them when kids made mistakes and parents struggled to believe in their abilities. Our kids heard them from teammates who second-guessed each other.
If your kids learn to ignore the negative voices in gymnastics, they will be ready to do the same in life.
5. Understanding the Boss (i.e. Coach)
As a coach and parent, I wasn’t perfect, there were times when the girls could not understand what I was asking. All kids had coaches who were difficult to read. You need to tell them their job is to strive to understand what the coach wanted and needed them to do, even if he wasn’t clear in his instruction. This endeavor to try to understand others before judging will help them through many relational and workplace problems.
6. Expressing needs and wants.
When you insist that your child confront the coach themselves instead of jumping in to do battle for them, they learn to express concerns to a person of authority. I see how my son and daughter have become confident communicators because we didn’t do their talking for them.
7. Exercising patience with people who can’t keep up.
There was always a gymnast who needs more help than others. The beauty of gymnastics is that it is an individual sport and children will all progress at their own pace. As adults, gymnasts are able to give encouragement and compassion to coworkers, friends, or neighbors who can’t quite keep up in life. I have no doubt that they learned this partly in the gym.
8. Respecting and benefitting from the strengths of others.
The ability to appreciate the skills of others and support their talents makes for a great team player, in the gym, in the office, in the home.
9. Finding Worth.
Your children can learn that they are defined by who they are, not by what they do.
When integrity, honesty and hard work become the true measure of a champion, and not just stats, trophies and accolades, then your kids will not base their self-esteem on performance — in the game or in life — but on who they know themselves to be on the inside.
10. It’s Fun
I miss watching my kids play sports. All sports. From little league to youth soccer. I miss watching my daughter compete in gymnastics. and Color Guard. Today, watching my daughter coach her Color Guard Team is just not the same. But as I see them apply their sports lessons to the real world as adults, I feel like a proud dad watching from the stands all over again.
I just read your new article! Well, that was a shocker when I saw my name in there. Great article. I can’t agree more, gymnastics has paved a foundation for the rest of my life that I countlessly depend upon.
You have had a VERY large part on who I am today! I use lessons you’ve taught me on a regular basis and I still do ‘what was the best part of your day’ whenever I can remember to. It was learning to get through the adversity of gymnastics that keeps me going today and what allowed me to finish 3rd in my Pilot training class (after being 1 ride away from failing).
Sports Set Kids Up For Success
There are many reasons why sports are so valuable for our children to play, no matter what age those children may be. Of course, helping kids develop and maintain physical fitness is one extremely important reason why kids should play sports. Playing sports helps kids stay healthy. In an age of almost epidemic numbers of people suffering from diseases and physical ailments related to obesity or not being at their optimal weight, the more opportunities for kids to be healthy and fit, the better it is for all.
On top of the physical benefits, there are many other reasons why kids should play sports, probably too many to cover in a single blog post. We have all heard it many times now, but sports can teach kids so many valuable life lessons. As coaches, many of us focus on intentionally teaching those life lessons to the young people in our care. The booklet and presentation by the same name, Life Lessons for Athletes, by Bruce Brown, the director of Proactive Coaching, highlights 10 behavioral characteristics that we should be helping kids to learn, understand and develop, not only for their involvement in sports, but for all aspects of their lives. The 10 characteristics are:
1. Integrity
2. Teachable Spirit
3. Academic Responsibility
4. Confidence
5. Accountability/ Work Habits
6. Discipline
7. Mental Toughness
8. Pride/Humility
9. Leadership
10. Selflessness
While there are certainly more things that playing sports can teach young people, this list is a prime example of many of the qualities and characteristics we can help young people learn by being involved in sports.
However, there is an extremely important caveat to this. In order for us to make sure that sports are teaching young people these things, we must make sure that we are intentional and purposeful about teaching them to our student-athletes. So often we hear people say that sports teach character, but when we look at the games that kids (and adults) are playing, we do not see examples of great character — and all too often we see the exact opposite. Just because a child runs around on a soccer field or a basketball court for two hours, it does not mean that s/he will learn how to be a better person or learn the value of working hard or any of the other elements on the list above. In fact, too often children are taught (whether intentionally or not) how not to behave. Oftentimes children learn how not to behave from the example of the people who should be teaching them the right way to behave — coaches and parents. But when coaches (and parents) intentionally design lessons and practice plans that include various elements of character, sportsmanship and life lessons, and then go out and work on those things with their teams, children have a much better chance of learning many positive lessons from their involvement in sports.
So how can coaches and athletic administrators do this? It’s quite simple — incorporate into your practice plans daily or weekly themes and lessons that you will teach. This can be done for 10 or 15 minutes prior to or after practice, where you take a theme of the week (for instance, something on the list above) and you read a paragraph or two about that theme and then discuss it. It is helpful to have some quotes by famous (and not-so-famous) people about that quality and discuss those quotes with players. Some of my favorite moments as a coach have been those 15-minute lessons I have had with my teams, to hear how certain ideas or quotes have affected certain players, and to hear the discussions that were then spawned because of it. This can be a very powerful part of any team’s season.
However, it doesn’t end there. If we take 15 minutes for four days in a week to discuss sportsmanship or poise, and then in the game on Friday night, I act like a raving lunatic at every call I disagree with, or I run the score up on a much weaker opponent, the 15-minute lessons were worthless — and possibly even damaging. We must go out and live by the very principles and lessons we are trying to espouse. During the week when we cover sportsmanship, for instance, I will set up moments in practice (that the players don’t know are coming) that will test our sportsmanship. I have purposefully made bad calls in scrimmages to see how we handle ourselves and then stopped the scrimmage to address the right or wrong response that we saw.
Sports can be extremely valuable in the growth and development of young people. However, it is up to us as the adults to do everything we can to make sure that what we want them to learn and enjoy from the experience are the very things that we are teaching them.
For more information on Proactive Coaching, visit www.proactivecoaching.info
Dealing With Difficult Parents
You probably never imagined contending with difficult parents when you dreamed of becoming a coach. Unfortunately, almost every coach is faced with an irate parent at some time. Not only is dealing with an angry or unreasonable parent upsetting, it’s time consuming. It’s only natural for parents to want the best for their child. Every now and then there are parents who refuse to accept that their child struggles in the gym. It can be easy for them to make excuses and blame others for their child’s troubles. Before you know it, you have a huge problem on your hands. Here are some tried and true tips to help you resolve difficult situations with parents.
Dealing with difficult parents requires that coaches first deal with themselves. There are few absolutes in gymnastics. Every rule has an exception and no matter how consistent coaches attempt to be, there are times when plans must be adjusted. But however flexible coaches must be about some things, there are a few absolutes that involve the coaches own actions and approaches. I have a general rule. Never make the exception the rule. The best advice I ever received was, “You do not have to prove who is in charge; everybody knows who is in charge.” Think about the best teachers you had in school. How often must they prove who is in charge in their classroom? Almost never. Now think about the least effective gym managers you know. How often do they try to prove who is in charge? Most likely, several times every hour! And, as a result, the gymnasts and coworkers may often try to prove them wrong. This same idea applies when working with challenging parents.
Effective coaches and gym managers never argue, yell, use sarcasm, or behave unprofessionally. The key word in that sentence is NEVER. There are several reasons to adopt this credo. One of them is that in every situation there needs to be at least one adult, and the only person you can rely on to act as the adult is you. I also believe that it isn’t a good idea to argue with difficult people. You will not win. Difficult people may argue a great deal of time in every aspect of their lives. They argue at home, are confrontational at work, and probably have a great number of tense conversations on a regular basis.
People can control how many arguments they get in. People also determine how often they yell or use sarcasm to make a point. As a coach you can teach others—students, parents, and other staff members—new ways to interact, not merely polish others’ inappropriate skills. If I, as a coach and gym owner believe that the difficult people I encounter are doing the best they know how, then one of my missions should be to help them learn better behavior. I believe we gymnastics educators have a responsibility to consistently model appropriate behavior to everyone with whom we come in contact. We should do so 100% of the time. If you question this, ask yourself two questions: Do I expect the students in my gym to behave appropriately 100% of the time? and Do I hope that parents treat me with respect and dignity 100% of the time? If your answers to these questions are yes, then you must behave professionally 100% of the time
1. Let upset parents know that your goal is to help every child succeed. Look for ways to find common ground. Tell parents that both of you want what’s best for their child and that you want to find ways to work together. When parents are able to look at the big picture and realize that you are on the same side, you can begin to work together to help their child succeed.
2. Be sensitive! No matter how tense a situation becomes, always remember that the gymnast is also someone’s precious baby. Open your conversation with parents by acknowledging the child’s strengths before you focus on areas of concern.
3. Good records that document dates, times, notes and decisions about the gymnast can be invaluable if problems arise. Keep track of communication you’ve had with parents throughout the season. I know record keeping is a pain in the A$$ but keeping track of the everyday progress of a gymnast can make your life so much easier. We all know that the parents are only ever getting one side of the story. Often you will have near constant communication with a parent. I would encourage you to also keep detailed records of these meetings. Your job may rely on it. Make a set of parent communication folders by labeling file folders with the names of your gymnasts. Staple a few blank sheets of paper inside each folder. Use these folders to jot notes with details of important conversations and keep notes from parents organized. Inside each folder, write the date, name of the parent with whom you spoke, and any actions that need to be taken. Make a separate folder on your computer and keep every e-mail and letter you send. After making phone calls to parents to discuss problems, take a few minutes to record any important information that was discussed. Parent Communication Files come in handy if you ever need to document how you’ve involved and informed parents after an incident at the gym.
4. Be proactive! Contact parents as soon as you see problems or negative behavior patterns develop. You’ll have a better chance to change these patterns if you catch them early. Here are some things to discuss with parents:
• areas where their child excels
• if their child is attentive during practice
• their child’s progress
• specific areas where their child experiences difficulties
• specific ways they can help their child at home
• how well their child gets along with teammates
• allow parents to share their concerns and ask questions
• if you are unsure what a parent asks about, request specific examples
5. Be prepared to give specific examples to illustrate the points you make. You may need to show parents examples of average and above average work the level. DO NOT USE NAMES. The idea isn’t to compare students to one another, it’s to give parents a clear idea of exactly what your expectations are for your gymnasts.
6. Have you ever been caught off guard by a parent and answered a question in a way that you regret later? If a parent asks you a question that floors you, don’t be put on the spot. It’s fine to let parents know that you need some time to reflect on their question before you respond. Let them know that you’ll get back to them. Relax—you’ve just bought yourself time to explore options and perhaps bounce ideas off of a colleague before you respond to the parents.
7. Don’t be afraid to end a meeting with parents who become confrontational. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to provide an opportunity for all parties to cool down and reflect on the issues at hand by bringing the meeting to a close. Set a time and date to meet again. If you feel threatened, ask a colleague or your boss to attend the next conference.
8. It’s awkward when parents share too much information with you. While it’s helpful to know things that directly impact a gymnast, it can be problematic when parents disclose too much personal information. It’s not your job to be their therapist. Remind parents that during the limited time you have to speak with them, that you need to focus on their child and not on them.
9. Sometimes neighborhood issues spill over into the classroom. Don’t let yourself get dragged into disputes between families of children in the gym. Problems escalate quickly if it’s perceived that you’re siding with other parents. When parents begin to share information about neighborhood squabbles, jump right in and tell them that it’s information that you don’t need to hear. Let parents know that you’re receptive to their thoughts and ideas about their child, but you must stay out of personal issues between the families.
10. Watch for parents who hover relentlessly. I had a parent my second year of coaching who expected to volunteer in the gym every day. I welcome parent volunteers for some jobs (press releases, communication etc), but this was ridiculous! I let her know that her daughter needed the space to develop social skills and gain independence.
11. Be prepared for a worst case scenario. Read your contract or board policy and make sure you understand your rights and the steps to follow if a parent files a formal complaint.
Managing difficult parents can be one of the hardest parts about coaching and working in a gym. It’s easy to dwell on negativity and begin to question your skills as a coach. Instead of worrying about how those parents perceive you, approach them and offer them the opportunity to join you as you help their child have the best year possible. Chances are the vast majority of parents of students in your gym are thrilled that you are their child’s coach! Focus on all that positive energy and have a great rest of the school year!