I have received a few e-mails from coaches looking for advice on how to deal with “problem parents” in their program. In all my years of coaching I have have some great parents and some nightmare parents. I would love to tell you that I can give you some magic to deal with them.
I can’t.
The best I can do is give you some advice. The e-mail below is a compilation from a few e-mails and conversations I have had.
Dear Tony-
HELP! ! I was wondering if you had anything on moving gymnasts from level to level and trusting the coach and the process. I have been coaching for 16 years and this is the first time I had a parent threaten to take their kid to another gym if I didn’t move her up. I Have not handled that situation yet but what do I do. To give you some back ground our State Championship just ended and this has been a week from hell parent wise. I have never had such jealous and competitive parents in my career
They are always comparing their children.
There is a parent whose child NEVER made a full week of practice this entire season and she wants to know why her child didn’t progress as fast and far as others.
They are more involved with the score than their kids.Thanks for the Advice
A. Coach
None of us got into coaching for the paycheck. We all share a love of the sport and because of that we often put up with some very difficult parents because we love the kids. I laugh at anyone who thinks we have an easy business. In order to get ONE check you have to keep at least THREE people happy. The gymnast has to feel they are improving and having fun. A parent may want to see the gym and bathrooms spotless and the other wants to see that their child in the Olympics. It is a tricky situation at best.
Dear A. Coach
I do my best to have all my rules in WRITING and very BLACK and WHITE. I have a pretty extensive Team Handbook that covers a lot of the situations and our philosophy. I cover the handbook EVERY year in our preseason team meeting. I give them REAL examples of situations. It seems that everyone is happy to read the handbook and rules but sometimes fail to see how the rules may effect them .
From the Handbook:
Meet Eligibility
In the two weeks before each meet we require that gymnasts attend all of their workouts (in some cases one week may be sufficient). We want to ensure gymnasts are safe, well-prepared, and given the best chance for competitive success. If a scheduling conflict arises in the two weeks before a meet, please be sure to contact the coaching staff in order to be given clearance to compete.Everyone reads this and thinks- sure that makes sense they want my kid to be safe.
At the meeting I give the example: Your daughter gets sick and misses a few days of practice. Then she has to stay after school to make up the work she missed because she was sick. Normally she trains 4 times each week but due to illness she she missed 2 days and was late 1 day (missing an event) making up school work. She is scheduled to travel to a meet next week, their flight is on THURSDAY and they Don’t compete until SUNDAY. They were planning on visiting Disney prior to competition.
Then I ask the parents: WHAT SHOULD I DO? There really is NO WAY that this is going to be a good/ safe competition for her. Competition is part of our sport and I have seen many, many gymnasts stress out for competitions based on their history of performance at competitions. I have seen others who have “gotten lucky” at a competition having missed a lot of practices. That is OK at level 3 when the biggest thing is their back handspring. But does that sound safe when their opening pass on floor is now a full twisting double back?
The answer that we come up with is that the coach will TRY to do some private lessons (at an additional fee) and that the gymnast is PROBABLY not competing all events at the competition. The parent should have asked about visiting Disney prior to booking their flight for competition.
By giving parents a concrete example they begin to understand the process.
Parent behavior at competitions is also something I cover. I tell them, we are guests at these competitions and if it is a home meet, we hare hosts. We want to be good guests and gracious hosts. They should cheer for any gymnast they see that does a good job or makes a great recovery.
Although score are an important part of our sport, our focus is on the performance. As coaches we have given the gymnasts individual and specific things to focus on. If a gymnast makes the corrections based on coaches instruction then we are HAPPY. Regardless of the score. Gymnastics is an individual sport and the corrections and instructions given one gymnast and most likely NOT given to the next. Children grow at different rates at different times and their gymnastics will grow with them.I have coaches all over the world and everywhere I have heard coaches say the same thing about moving kids up. What I would suggest is having 2 scores. I know this goes against previous statements but it keeps things Black and White. The first score is your preseason score that the gymnast must achieve in an “in house” meet before they are allowed to compete in a real competition. The second score is the move up score that they must reach TWICE during the season. Following the season if a gymnast has reached their move up scores we still have a one on one talk about whether moving up is going to give them the success that they seek.
At the preseason (or new parent) parent meeting my opening statement when we are talking about moving up is, “Nothing would make me happier than have a Team of ALL LEVEL 10’s. That would make my life so easy. One set of rules to know. Going to competitions and getting everyone done in one session”. But reality is that kids learn and progress at different rates. It does not change my goal. Reality is that not every gymnast will get to Level 10 or elite. But I will never stand in the way of someone’s progress.
The best way to have a parent believe in and trust the process is to show them that you have a plan and a guide. Have your rules and policies written out for them to see. Keep your rules Black and White and stick to them.
It is NEVER a fun conversation when you have to ask a parent and child to leave your gym but it is necessary at times. I encourage parents to come and talk to me and to voice their opinions and concerns. I actually appreciate it when a parent complains because it gives me a chance to grow and improve my organization. Sometimes some of my rules have become outdated and need to be changed. Sometimes I have said or done the wrong thing. A parent taking the time to sit down with me only helps me get better.
In the top drawer of my desk I have 2 things- A stack of $5 gift cards for a local coffee shop that I give out as a Thank You to a parent who sits down and has a mature conversation with me about ways to improve.
The other thing is a stack of business cards from other gyms in the area where they can go if I do not feel we can find common ground.A former President of USA Gymnastics once told me, “When I retire I am going to write a book called- “My daughter is talented that is why she did great, The coach sucks- that is why daughter didn’t do well”
That is our reality.Hope it Helps
Tony
There are no magic cures for problem parents. I have just found that by having clear lines of communication and rules that have been explained to everyone helps. Once you set the rules and that first generation of kids and parents follow the rules and hopefully have success they will help guide the others.
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