You can choose your outlook.
There are some people who just love to be miserable. These are the people who you actually avoid asking, “how are you?” because the answer depresses you. If you have had a bad day, they will come up with 5 reasons why their’s is worse. If you had a loved one pass away, they will go on to tell you how the plague wiped out their entire family.
Recently I was in a hotel lobby speaking with a colleague. We were just passing the time (lying about how good our gymnasts are) when a friend of mine, Liz, came over. I introduced them and the 3 of us shared some quick stories and a laugh before we went on our way. As I left with my friend she remarked, “What a great guy. So happy and positive. The world could use more people like that.”
What Liz didn’t know was that this man had suffered terrible loss in the last couple years. His daughter had died in a car accident and he had recently lost his wife to illness. But still, he had a great outlook.
At that point I decided that when someone asks me how I am doing- I am going to say, “I am Amazing!”
Why?
Because what’s the point in being negative. When I am asked what training will be today- I am going to say, “it will be great. (and then back it up with why)”
I’m just curious. Most coaches and club owners claim we want to be happy—to have meaningful lives, enjoy ourselves, experience fulfillment, and share our love for the sport.
Strangely enough, however, some people act as if they just want to be miserable, and they succeed remarkably at inviting misery into their lives and their gym. Even though they get little apparent benefit from it, since being miserable doesn’t really seem to help them.
I see some folks do the same negative repeating behaviors over and over again and I don’t understand it. Complaining about the same things. Sometimes they group together at competitions and encourage others to wallow too so there’s a mutual complain and enable-fest. Sometimes they take turns. Sometimes they talk over each other. However they communicate though, it seems to encourage the misery rather than taking it away.
I don’t get it. When we complain we want to vent and then to find a solution after we’ve calmed down. We want to be happy.
We all get hit with bad things from time to time, some of us more than others. But some folks seem to be able to manufacture their own bad luck, or to react incredibly strongly to things most of us are just mildly annoyed by. How people react to negative events seems really important.
We want to be around people who want to be happy. We like people who have growth mind-sets.
There is a time and place for shared misery (for me particularly in grad school). But there are ALSO times to stop moaning and do your writing. Structured groups are good for this: first hour bitch-n-moan, second hour hard work, then break for snack, more work, a closing few minutes of social time, etc. Commiseration is useful sometimes, but it must be backed up with productivity if you’re going to survive. I like my staff meetings at the gym to be structured. There is a little time for people to whine in the beginning if necessary. Then we need to move forward. Solve problems. I think in gymnastics we have“a culture of stress” and that it isn’t necessarily the most helpful.
If you’re hanging out with people who seem to enjoy being miserable, and seem to enjoy encouraging you when you’re making bad choices (that will cause misery down the road) or just being miserable (and discourage you from making choices that could reduce the misery)… why are you doing that?
Instead of having a race to the bottom when someone asks how you are doing, have a race to the TOP. Encourage others as well!
